Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
