Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
