Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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