NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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