I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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