you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
