Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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