Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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