Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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