FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
