I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
