she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
