how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
