i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
