do herpes really smell.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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