dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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