the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize