I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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