I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
