I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
