Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
