Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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