You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
