i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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