I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
