Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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