There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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