genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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