What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
