I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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