i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
