girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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