i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
