are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
