I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
