she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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