I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
