god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
