I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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