Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
