OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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