Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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