i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize