im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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