i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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