Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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