I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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