Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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