can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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