I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
