he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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