I faked an abortion last night.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
