I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
