in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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