he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
