So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
