the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
God I need to hump something, right now.
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