I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
