Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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